Couples Communicating

Margaret Fisher, Ed.D., RMFT

Communicating consists of skills which people learn. As infants we observe and listen and experiment so that we gradually learn ways of expressing our needs and wants in order to get a positive response from our care-givers. We learn from our parents and others what this family talks about and what topics it avoids. In our families as we grow up we learn whether our contribution is valued and listened to or whether it is interrupted and put down or even ignored. We learn what emotions can be expressed and what ones cannot. We learn what questions are OK and what ones are not. We learn about volume and tone of voice, about gestures and facial expressions. Words take on certain meanings which may not necessarily mean exactly the same in other families or cultures. As we grow up, thousands of subtle behaviors are learned that contribute to the way we interact with others. We get so used to these behaviors that we do them automatically, without having to think about them. We unconsciously expect that everybody interacts the same as in our family.

Then two adults fall in love and decide to make a life together. They come from different families, sometimes from different ethnic or cultural backgrounds. They are surprised and confused when these automatic patterns of communicating sometimes result in misunderstandings. "But I did not mean that!" "That's not what I said!" "You are not listening!" "Why would you ever think that?" "Why did not you say that in the first place?" Over time they may develop unhealthy interactions that contribute to increasing conflict and misunderstanding. Words may be spoken that hurt; distance may be the only way they know how to deal with the miscommunication.

Since communication skills are learned, couples can unlearn ones that are not working well and learn more effective ones. A helpful way of thinking about communication is to break it down into two basic components: sending and receiving.

Sending refers to the many attempts people make to share something that is inside themselves with the other person. It includes skills such as disclosing, requesting, clarifying, affirming, confronting, informing, expressing ideas and feelings, and challenging. The sender has something inside her or him which s/he wishes to express to the other person. Choosing the most appropriate skill for the purpose of the moment and using it as carefully as possible enhance the likelihood that the message will be sent out clearly and directly. The direction of energy flow is from sender or talker to receiver or listener.

Receiving refers to those skills by which the person "catches" the message which the partner has just sent. The person in the receiving mode is quiet, attentive, and receptive -- ready and willing to take in the message. Contrary to popular belief, this is not a passive stance but an alert, fully present posture. The receiver may use various skills such as attending, non-committal acknowledgement, questioning, clarifying, and active listening. The receiver's job is to take in the message from the sender in as close a form to what the sender meant as possible. It does not mean judging or evaluating or changing the message; such modifications turn the receiver into a sender, expressing something of one's self, rather than being receptive to what the other person is communicating at that moment.

When these two elements of sending and receiving are played out, two people take turns in either stance. At any given moment only one should be the sender and one the listener. Once that interaction has been successfully completed, then they may switch roles so that the other person becomes the talker while the previous sender now listens. This simplified framework allows for two people to expand and enrich their interactions in meaningful dialogue and increased closeness.

Since listening is a basic skill necessary to a positive relationship and since many partners complain that they feel unheard, let's focus on listening a little longer. How do you rate yourself as a listener?? Here is a quick quiz of a baker's dozen listening skill areas. Do it privately when no one is around to challenge your answers! Rate yourself on each of the following aspects of listening according to how difficult or easy each is for you right now. Use a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being great difficulty and 5 being easily competent.

How are you doing at:

1. stopping what you are doing when your partner has something to say to you
2. making eye contact as you listen
3. paraphrasing
4. not interrupting
5. asking inviting questions that show your interest
6. asking open-ended questions (ones that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer)
7. remembering what your partner told you earlier
8. listening to the person's feelings without arguing
9. listening to the person's ideas without arguing
10. not rehearsing your response while the other person is still talking
11. not impatiently finishing your partner's sentence
12. looking as though you are interested and involved while your partner is talking
13. biting your tongue when you are tempted to give advice

If you have a score of 55 or over, there is no need to read further. You are an exceptionally effective listener. Just to confirm, ask your partner (or child or best friend) to score you according to their experience of being heard by you.

Most people recognize at least some of these behaviours that are not up to snuff. Being aware of aspects of listening and assessing yourself from time to time will encourage you to be intentional about those skills which you do well and to work at improving those you find more challenging.

Think about the speed at which people think, the speed at which they talk, and the speed at which they listen. Talking is at the rate of approximately 125 words a minute, listening at up to 300 words a minute, and thinking at about 600 words a minute. Thus the difference between speech-speed (125) and thought-speed (600) affects greatly how well the listener is paying attention. Making good use of this talk-thought gap is critical to effective listening. If your mind is wandering off to other matters, or thinking how silly the speaker is to feel that way, or figuring out how to fix the speaker's problem, or admiring the person's outfit, you are not focusing on what the inner experience is that your partner is attempting to share with you. Effective listeners are not filling in the gap with wandering thoughts but work at keeping their whole being focused on the speaker's message.

This means that the listener's mind is using the time gap to get inside the speaker's world, to view the situation from the speaker's perspective. The listener makes an effort to hear the messages behind the words, not to get distracted by details, but to get the overall sense of what the person is expressing. Behind the literal words are thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, beliefs, memories which give shape to the unique story being shared at this moment. When you leave your own world for a few minutes and get inside the skin of another, you share a sacred moment for learning a little more about your partner. It is as though two people are standing on the same small piece of ground in a brief intimate meeting.

Listening is a skill that demands maturity, concentration, and will. It is one of the keys to effective communication in a vital, loving couple relationship. As with any communication skill, it is learned. Everyone benefits from increasing the level of competence in listening.

Margaret Fisher, Ed.D. RMFT is a clinical member and approved supervisor of the Ontario Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, a division of the Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists in Canada, Inc. She teaches Ontario Institute for Studies in Education/University of Toronto and in private practice in Kingston.