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For many of us, learning to fight fairly when emotionally upset is a challenging experience that most people learn by trial and error and through honest communication which often follows after the initial blowup. Many families have different styles of dealing with disagreements that all couples need to interweave into their own relationship. Some people don't talk about it, others never stop talking about it and there are all the variations in between. Clearly this is a learned experience that challenges all of us regardless of where we are in our own lifecycle never mind where your family is in its lifecycle.
I offer you 11 simple guidelines that hopefully will help set the ground rules for forming and maintaining healthy, creative, intimate relationships.
1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BEHAVIOUR. This means that you take time to think before you speak or act and admit it if you make a mistake. The best teacher is a good role model.
2. BE HONEST ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND LET OTHERS DO THE SAME. It is hard enough at times to monitor your own reactions about a different point of view never mind helping others to do the same at the same time so stop trying.
3. SAY, "I FEEL SAD, ANGRY, HURT ETC. DON'T SAY "IT FEEL LIKE&" We all need to own our feelings rather than trying to shift blame or guilt onto others for what feelings they trigger in us.
4. NEVER INTERPRET YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE. It is easier to keep communication open if you let people ask questions if they don't understand and to ask questions when you don't understand than to try to guess what you think someone else is trying to say. When in doubt, ask for clarification.
5. DISTNGUISH BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND NEVER SAY " I FEEL THAT YOU&" THIS IS NOT A FEELING. Our feelings come from within ourselves, not from other people. When we attribute our feelings to other people, we lose our right to own them and fall into a pattern of placing responsibility for our feelings onto others who can not change what we feel for us. Thoughts are our attempts to make sense out of our emotions as we try to share these feelings with others. It is better to identify the feeling that leads to our thoughts so our listener can follow our logic and then respond.
6. NO NAME-CALLING. This action reflects our frustration in feeling misunderstood and serves only to make the other person defensive rather than focusing on the issue at hand. When conversations turn to this, no one wins.
7. DO NOT BRING UP ISSUES FROM THE PAST. STICK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND. When we bring up old hurts or disappointments, it can seem too overwhelming to believe that a mutually agreeable compromise is possible. Piling on old issues only increases frustration and reduces hope that this time will be different.
8. DO NOT ENGAGE IN HITTING, SCREAMING, SPITTING, THROWING OR OTHER FORMS OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR. There is no benefit to any conversation that has deteriorated to this level. This is where rule #1 is helpful. Stay in touch with yourself and your feelings. Learn to recognize where in your body, your patience ends and anger builds. For many of us, it is in the stomach, head, throat or hands. Learn where the tension builds in your own body and listen to it before you lose it.
9. DO NOT BADMOUTH YOUR PARTNER TO YOUR CHILDREN OR ANYONE ELSE. We all need outlets to vent our frustrations but filling a friend, child or relative's ear with them serves to benefit no one and may in fact increase animosity in a wider circle of important people in your life. It is not fair to burden a child with adult issues that they have no control over. If you can't resolve conflicts where both people can agree that a compromise is satisfactory, keep looking for alternatives until you do. If that doesn't help, then it may be time to consider professional help or explore the wide variety of self-help books that may assist you both.
10. RECOGNIZE YOUR LIMITS. IF YOU FEEL YOURSELF LOSING IT, CALL A TIME-OUT. This is a very important rule that needs to be accepted before discussions begin. It is amazing how a 5-minute break can diffuse a heated conversation. The saying that "cooler heads reign" is as true today as it always was. It is also important to recognize that your limit is likely to be different than your partners. When you recognize the uniqueness of your partner, it allows your partner to recognize the uniqueness of you. Remember that the best leaders are the best role models. Choose to be a role model.
11. REMEMBER TO BREATHE AND MONITOR YOUR BREATHING TO STAY CALM. This seems like such a simple rule yet we know that when we are concentrating on anything, most people tend to hold their breath. Such action forces the body to move into a survivor mode, which decreases the ability to listen. By focusing on our breath, we can maintain a calm and detached approach to conflict resolution that increases the likelihood of both partners feeling honored, cherished and understood by the most significant person in their life.
Learning to fight fair is an ongoing process. No one is able to keep these simple rules in mind all of the time. However, with practice and compassion, they can become an integral part of an enriching and committed relationship.
Heather McKechnie, MSW RSW RMFT is a member of the Ontario Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, a division of the Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists of Canada, Inc. She is in private practice in Newmarket, Ontario.
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